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Page #15. This page has some weird language and profanity. I apologize again ^__^
Thanks to ~Zannid for beta-reading almost all of first chapter. But if you'll find any grammatic mistakes anyway, say me. I'll fix them immediately.
Don't forget about hidden content.

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:iconunique1992:
Unique1992 Featured By Owner Jul 15, 2012
Loving this comic!!! Please continue
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:iconautumn-sacura:
Autumn-Sacura Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
Thanks :love:
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:iconthepandanameddee:
ThePandaNamedDee Featured By Owner Jul 12, 2012
i like this comic.
please continue.
:3
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:iconautumn-sacura:
Autumn-Sacura Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
Thank you! I will ^__^
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:icontenko72:
tenko72 Featured By Owner Jul 12, 2012
I really like Marius. Felix is growing on me too.
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:iconautumn-sacura:
Autumn-Sacura Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
I'm glad to hear that! Felix will get a bigger role soon.
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:icontenko72:
tenko72 Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2012
Ooh, that sounds exciting. C:
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:iconemh5567:
Emh5567 Featured By Owner Jul 12, 2012  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
Third Panel, Felix's thought bubble; it should say, "He looks at me like he;s seeing right inside my head. Like he is aware of the fact that I see him every night in my sleep". Just the "He's" twice is all.

And I was reading this, screaming YAAAAAAAAY inside my head when Marius came.
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:iconautumn-sacura:
Autumn-Sacura Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
Thank you!
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:iconphantom-brave:
Phantom-Brave Featured By Owner Jul 12, 2012
That gave me some sort of sick satisfaction. xD
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:iconautumn-sacura:
Autumn-Sacura Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
:D
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:iconkates07632:
kates07632 Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
5th panel... he looks awesome xD scary too
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:iconautumn-sacura:
Autumn-Sacura Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
:D
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:iconkates07632:
kates07632 Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
прямо как мой папа, весёлый, и страшный 0_0
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:iconartificer-urza:
Artificer-Urza Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2012
It's not grammatical mistakes, it's the language you use. It's very formal and perhaps not appropriate to the characters you're trying to present. But, I'm guessing that's because you're translating this into English. More slang is needed. Although, Marius' dialogue works really well here.
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:iconautumn-sacura:
Autumn-Sacura Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
Thank you for advices! I'll try to write less formally from now.
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:iconevershifter:
evershifter Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2012
I agree with Urza. Maybe more contractions, like "don't" instead of "do not". It depends on what sort of accent you want your character to have, but north americans tend to be pretty lazy, and leave out unnecessary words or shorten them more often than not. You're using the wrong tenses in a few parts, too, but that's really to be expected if English is your second language.

Here's a few suggestions, thought I wouldn't say that they're all "correct", since it depends on what you want to say, and how you want it to sound. Mostly I'm suggesting a few tense fixes and ways to rearrange their lines so they read a little more smoothly.

Panel 1:
Vesta speech bubble: "I'd hoped you were better than this, Felix." or "I thought you were better than this, Felix." The second would be a bit more natural, but it changes the meaning slightly.
Felix thought bubble: "We're not kids anymore, Vesta... Don't judge me." I think it sounds better with the sentences swapped. But that's just me. ^^

Panel 2:
Felix speech bubble: "You've been really nasty lately, everything alright?" A boy in high school probably wouldn't use the word "particularly", and he seems like he's being more mean, or vicious, than rude. Nasty can mean vicious, or spiteful, and is a little more in line with what a teenage boy would use.
Quinton hidden speech bubble: "Stole it from my mom. Hopefully she'll get her ass kicked by some thug." I can't think of a way to include the portion about him wanting her to be killed without it sounding tacked on, but it's still a pretty nasty thing to say.

Panel 3:
Felix speech bubble: "Hey, it's Marius." Unless there's a bunch of guys named Marius in their school, they probably wouldn't use his last name when referring to him, and the "Look!" part in the original makes him sound rather excited, or like he's trying to change the subject. If that's what you were going for then great, but otherwise I'd tone it down a bit.
Felix thought bubble: "Oh my God, it's like he can see right inside my head! Like he KNOWS that I see him in my dreams every night." I'd bold or italicize the part I have in all caps, just for emphasis, but it's not necessary. You could also go with "Like he knows that I dream about him every night" but my impression was that the dreams just include him, not that they're about him. Also, the second sounds a little gay.

Panel 4:
Felix speech bubble: "Relax, Felix. Don't be stupid. Nobody knows about my dreams. I've just gotta get a hold of myself and..." That whole panel's actually pretty good as-is, though. ^^

Panels 5 and 6 look good! I'd leave Marius with the formal language, I think it suits him.

Panel 7:
Felix speech bubble: "What's up with him? He never talks to us."
Felix thought bubble: " Not talking - no, not even looking at me. Like I wasn't even there. Am I that pathetic?"
Quinton thought bubble: "I'll crush that bastard. I'll find him, I'll burn his house down, I'll make his life Hell."

Sorry if it seems rude to go over the whole page like that. ^^; I'm just trying to help, really! >_>
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:iconautumn-sacura:
Autumn-Sacura Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
Wow! Thank you a lot!!! That was very nice of you to spend so much time to make all of these corrections :love: That was really heplful, and I changed the file according to your suggestions. They are relly make lines sounds better.
If you ever would like to make corrections for some other pages, I'll be very grateful ^__^
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:iconartificer-urza:
Artificer-Urza Featured By Owner Jul 12, 2012
While I like this feedback, I'm not sure ~Autumn-Sacura will know since you replied to my comment.
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:iconmaelora69:
Maelora69 Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I agree that Marius and Vesta seem to use more formal language rather than slang.

I think having the characters use different speech patterns is a good thing.
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:iconmaelora69:
Maelora69 Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Well, he needed to be told! Well said, Marius.
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:iconautumn-sacura:
Autumn-Sacura Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
:giggle:
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