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August 28, 2012
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Page #24. This is the last page of first chapter! Thanks to all of you who gave me your support, and I hope you'll contunue reading. I probably will update less often, because the second chapter is not finished yet. But I promise the next chapter will be more action packed and less obscure ^__^

Thanks to ~Zannid for beta-reading almost all of first chapter. But if you find any grammar mistakes, tell me. I'll fix them immediately.
Don't forget about hidden content.

How to read this story: [link]
First page: [link]
Previous page: [link]
Next page: [link]
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:iconemh5567:
Emh5567 Featured By Owner Aug 29, 2012  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
"I probably will update less often"
.
.
.
.

:nuu:
:onfire:
:saddummy:
NOOOOOOOOOO. :C

Plus, yay! More UM! More chances to see the cool creatures there and decipher the language of Murts.

By the way, what does UM stand for again?
Reply
:iconautumn-sacura:
Autumn-Sacura Featured By Owner Aug 31, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
I'll try to updateat least once at every week ^__^
UM is kinda rebus. It has different, but relevant meanings on Latin, Russian and Udmurt languages. I'll give more hints about it in the next chapter ^__^
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:iconemh5567:
Emh5567 Featured By Owner Aug 31, 2012  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
:D
Somehow makes sense. xD

Just don't leaveeeee!!!

:cling:
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:iconevershifter:
evershifter Featured By Owner Aug 28, 2012
Panel 1 speech bubble: "So many ideas, so many memories woven into a clew in you..." The second so is necessary. But, I really don't know what you mean by "clew" o.O
Panel 1 hidden content: "I'll taste all these delicate nuances of feelings that mixed up you" This sentence is a bit confusing, because depending on your meaning there are a number of ways you could rephrase it. "I'll taste" could be changed for "I want to taste" if it's simply expressing its desire to eat the weird dress-thing, or "let me taste" would work, since it's addressing the weird dress-thing. Do the "delicate nuances" refer to the feelings themselves, or their taste? The way you have it written now it seems to refer to the feelings. "That mixed up you" seems to mean that the feelings confused the dress-thing previously. "Mixing you up" could be a good substitution, if the confusion is happening now. "I want to taste all the delicate nuances of these feelings mixed up inside you!" would be my best suggestion, but it all depends on what you want to say.

Panel 3 Tumosho bubble: "Oh, Suzer. Hello, sister!" In this case I would go with one or the other. The "oh" makes the first half of its greeting sound disappointed, or uninterested, but the exclamation mark makes it seem like it changed attitudes mid-sentence. Which may just be one of its character traits, but it still needs to be split, I believe. And I'm not positive, but I think "sister" should be capitalized, since it's being used to refer to a person.

Panel 5 Suzer bubble: "Don't you hate living in constant fear?"
Panel 5 Tumosho bubble: "I won't leave UM until I catch the Fisher Prince. I saw him up close today... a catch one can only dream of." For the first sentence "I'll" instead of "I" is a simple mistake, but your meaning in the second is a bit confusing. Did Tumosho see Marius up close? Did it feel it was close to catching him? In the second case "a catch one can only dream of" is contradictory, so I suggested a phrasing that implies Tumosho saw him, but didn't believe it could actually catch him.
Panel 5 Suzer hidden content: "Aren't you afraid to be dissolved into the gray mass? To lose your individuality?" "Don't" is short for "do not", which is a statement, rather than a question. "Aren't" is short for "are not", which wouldn't actually be correct; it would have to be phrased as "are you not afraid", except nobody talks like that anymore.
Panel 5 Tumosho hidden content: The first sentence could be changed to "he's such an amazing child", but I prefer what you already have. The second could be changed to "everlasting selflessness and endless selfishness, merged together!" Technically this is a sentence fragment, but people speak in sentence fragments all the time. I do like what you're expressing here, though. Another way of writing it would be "everlasting selflessness and endless selfishness are merged in him", but that's a little wordy and awkward.

Panel 6 Tumosho bubble: You can use "he's" instead of "he is" here, but it's not necessary. For the record, "he's" would not work in the previous panel, unless you rearranged it as I suggested. I'm not actually sure why that is, though. ^^;

I'm sorry I can't be of more help. ._.; Unfortunately I haven't taken a lot of English classes (I'm a business major), so I can't tell you exactly why some things work and some things don't, and I can't guarantee that all my suggestions are totally correct. But if I'm not sure about any of my suggestions I'll definitely tell you, and hopefully others on here can verify whether they're right or wrong.

Also: WHOO! Ulyana's okay! Sort of! I really love her character.
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:iconautumn-sacura:
Autumn-Sacura Featured By Owner Aug 31, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
Thank you very much! I always love to read your comments, they not only helphul, but also make me understand English better ^__^ I'll try to rewrite some sentences to make them more understandable. Sometimes I forget that some things could be clear in Russian, but not in English.
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:iconevershifter:
evershifter Featured By Owner Sep 2, 2012
Thank you! I'm glad it helps. ^^
Reply
:iconowlbear33:
Owlbear33 Featured By Owner Aug 28, 2012
great comic, one thing the appears to be a gramatical error in what i think is the second bit of hidden content on the page
Reply
:iconautumn-sacura:
Autumn-Sacura Featured By Owner Aug 31, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
Thank you for help!
Reply
:iconevelyn-stormcraft:
evelyn-stormcraft Featured By Owner Aug 28, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Will you be posting a translation of the Murt alphabet? I've got most of it decoded, but there's still a few letters missing, and I can't complete my fan art idea without them.
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:iconautumn-sacura:
Autumn-Sacura Featured By Owner Aug 31, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
You are going to do fanart?! This makes me happy :love: About translation - I wasn't going to post it, before someone decode it, but I could send it to you ^__^
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