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First page of the second chapter! Sorry for long hiatus, I had to take part-time job and had no time because of it... I'll try to update more often from now.

I have no beta-reader this time. so please, help me with grammar! There probably awfully lot of mistakes >_< If you find any, I'll try fix them immediately.

Don't forget about hidden content.

How to read this story: [link]
First page: [link]
Previous page: [link]
Next page: [link]
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:iconrelwarcthemighty:
RelwarcTheMighty Featured By Owner Oct 5, 2012
Hope Ulyana wakes up in her own body!
Does Felix really have no one else to turn to but someone who hates him? And I thought bullying girls was pathetic enough.
Oh, Pedot, so chivalrous trying to stand up for Vesta! Ha, ha, . . . God I hope he gets naked at some point . . .
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:icontenko72:
tenko72 Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2012
I like the reflections on the glass.
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:iconautumn-sacura:
Autumn-Sacura Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
Thank you!
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:icontenko72:
tenko72 Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2012
You're welcome!
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:iconbettypimm:
BettyPimm Featured By Owner Sep 21, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
great page! a word bubble in the third panel is facing the wrong way, though
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:iconautumn-sacura:
Autumn-Sacura Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
Thank you ^__^ Fixed it!
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:iconevelyn-stormcraft:
evelyn-stormcraft Featured By Owner Sep 21, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Panel 3: Nothing technically wrong with it, but a more common way of phrasing it would be: "To her you're like a member of the family." English is confusing like that. (And as others have said, Phedot's speech balloon needs to be fixed.)

Panel 6: "Should I send him away?" 'Sent' is past tense.

Panel 7: "after all the things that you and Quint did to us." I think "have done to us" might be more appropriate here; 'did' suggests the subject is entirely in the past, while 'have done' tells the reader that it's a current event with a history. (I would also recommend moving Vesta's thought balloon to the center of the panel, to show the thought comes after what she says...unless of course it's not meant to come after.)
_

Something I've been curious about: why is the real-world part of Murts set in Richmond? Is there a specific reason?
_

Finally, I wanted to share this with you: [link] . It's another Flash-based comic, and I thought you might like to study the techniques they used.
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:iconautumn-sacura:
Autumn-Sacura Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
Thank you for help ^__^ Those are very useful advices!
About Richmond... hehe, ok, I'll tell you! I wanted to make country where story take a place uncertain. And Richmond is a very common name. Several cities in the United States, Canada and Europe are called so.
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:iconrosesablaze:
rosesablaze Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2012
Are we allowed to ask for help with finding hidden content? I can't find anything in panel 3. :c
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:iconraccoo:
Raccoo Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2012
If you want to cheat on hidden content, if you left-click anywhere on the comic page, hitting tab multiple times will toggle through them. I do it that way to make sure I don't miss anything.
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:iconemh5567:
Emh5567 Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2012  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
Third panel, I think the first word bubble is facing the wrong way.

I thought Vesta was talking to Phedot, as if he was Vesta's boyfriend or something. o.O

And.... Ohmygod, I just started the Harry Potter books. I keep thinking Phedot and Yulie are a Weasley. XD

I'm pumped up for the next comic! I can feel it climaxing!!!!
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:iconautumn-sacura:
Autumn-Sacura Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
Thanks, I fixed it! Hehe, you are fight about red-head family reminding of Weasley too much ^__^
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:iconevershifter:
evershifter Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2012
I think your grammar's improving, actually. ^^ A lot of the mistakes that you make are really common ones, and even native speakers make them. I wouldn't be too upset about it, and that's what proofreading and editing are for!

Panel 1 Phedot: "The doctors can't figure out what's wrong" or "The doctors don't understand what's wrong" you need to have "the" in there, or else you're referring to doctors in general, rather than a few specific ones. And "can't understand" is correct, but I think my first suggestion fits a little better, since it implies that they're actively trying to determine what's wrong with her. Also, you don't really need to include the "with my sister" portion, since he's answering Vesta's question and it's implied that he's still talking about Ulyana, as opposed to suddenly changing the topic to someone else.

Panel 3 hidden content: I think you need to use a semicolon here, but I'm not positive and it's really easy to use them incorrectly, so I would just leave it. Also it should be "Maki and I", but people use "me and [name]" more often even if it isn't correct. I have absolutely no idea why, but it means that you don't need to change that, at least.

Panel 4: "Even if we fight, you're still" What you have is fine, really. The "we had a fight" sounds a bit odd, since you normally don't state something that just happened, but it does work. My suggestion would change it from expressing that Vesta knows that they had a fight, but it doesn't change their friendship, to saying that despite not always getting along, they'll always be friends.

Panel 5 hidden content: "They told me that Vesta might be in the hospital with Ulyana. I'm so glad I found her!" I'm sorry, this is another one of those rules that I can't properly explain >_< but I think that because you've specified who is in the hospital, "could" implies that it's something she is able to do, whereas "might" isn't specific to her, and it just means that what he was told could be true. I'm not sure what you have is incorrect, but it sounds a bit wrong to me. Also, there's no need for any punctuation between "I'm glad" and "I found her". I added "so" just for emphasis.

Panel 7 Vesta: "I can't believe you'd dare to come here and ask for help after all the things you and Quint did to us." There's just a couple of little errors in the original.
Panel 7 Felix: "But something terrible has happened to Quint." You can use "with" here, and you may prefer to do that, but you will need to include "has" if you do. But if you use "to", you don't really need to include "has". Yeah, English is a very strange language.
Panel 7 hidden: "It's not like I'm going to help him, anyway." Or "I can't possibly help him with Yulie like this." If you want to keep the original text you'll need to get rid of the period between the two sentences. It does make for a bit of a run-on, but they are related and "so" is a conjunction, and will tie the two sentences together. Same way I could have split up that last sentence, but that would have made it choppy and interfered with the flow of the dialogue. :P

Also, I agree with Felix about Phedot being pretty. >.> (Except for the part about Ulyana being homely, but I don't think he knows what he's talking about there)
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:iconautumn-sacura:
Autumn-Sacura Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
Cool! Thank you very much!! So much new information ^__^
Sometimes I want to make even more mistakes just to receive more of your comments ^__^
I agree, Felix is stupid ^__^ Ylyana is pretty too!
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:iconmaelora69:
Maelora69 Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
In panel 3, the speech bubble should go to Phedot, not Vesta :)
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:iconautumn-sacura:
Autumn-Sacura Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
Thanks!
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:iconkates07632:
kates07632 Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
you said i could be beta-reader :L
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:iconautumn-sacura:
Autumn-Sacura Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
Sorry! It just will be easier with open beta-reading >_<
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:iconkates07632:
kates07632 Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
ahh, life is too short to complain :iconepicclapplz:
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