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September 27, 2012
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Page 2 of the second chapter. I probably rush a story here a little bit becase I can't wait to start action and adventures already ^__^.

Please, help me with grammar. If you find any, I'll try fix them immediately.

Don't forget about hidden content.

How to read this story: [link]
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:iconsandyledandy:
I've been waiting for continuation on this creative comic. Will we ever see it, or have you run out of juices for it?

If you have, I totally understand, as a fellow artist. Sometimes inspiration dies, and other ideas consume your mind so that you're unable to continue your old work.
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:iconautumn-sacura:
Autumn-Sacura Jan 3, 2013  Professional Digital Artist
Thank you for interest in it! I, for myself, really want to continue it, I already have drafts for next chapter. But right now I have to take a lot of commissions, to pay for my... well, a lot of things. I hope, I could return to in in the next month.
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:iconeydas:
Wowowo, we're going to know more about the UM at last! :clap:
I loved the flashback =)
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:iconemh5567:
Emh5567 Sep 29, 2012  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
*squeeeeee*

I've been waiting for this for a while.

I'm sort of sensing Felix and Vesta used to have a childhood romance. *wink wink, nudge nudge*

They seem like they could have been a couple. The way he (kind of) protects her, like when she wanted to help Ulyana from getting beat up and pepper-sprayed by Quint.

Also, 4th panel, "Saw a lot of times." You should probably say something like, "You were in them plenty [or lots or many. If you use many, take out the 'of'] of times."

And I'm finally glad that they start to talk about the UM. :squee:
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:icontenko72:
As far as critiques go, ~evelyn-stormcraft is right.

Aww, that flashback is so cute!

This is a really exciting page. So much is going on. I wonder what'll happen next.
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:iconevelyn-stormcraft:
evelyn-stormcraft Sep 27, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I hate to tell you this, but the entire page needs work. Here are my recommendations (warning to other readers, secret-spoilers ahead):

-----

Panel 1
- "Whatever happened, I'm sure he's capable of taking care of himself."
- "Just hear me out! You promised that if something bad happened to me, you'd come to the rescue!"

Panel 2
- I've heard "God" as an interjection, but never "gods" (except in science fiction and fantasy settings). Even self-avowed pagans in the real world use God in the singular...unless they're making a point of letting everyone know they're a pagan, in which case they're just being annoying. :P
- How could he think that anything is left from our childhood friendship?

Panel 3
- "Stop it! My best friend is in a coma, and you distract me with this nonsense. Show some respect." 'This' and 'that' can be a bit fickle in how they're applied, but 'this' works better here.

Panel 4
- Either she'll think I'm crazy, or it'll turn out I was right. This is a very confusing rule of English with no good reason for existing, so I'll explain: the plural of the verb 'turn,' or of any given verb, is used ONLY if it follows a singular third-person noun in the present tense ('it/he/she/the apple turns out'). In all other cases, the singular form of the verb is used.
"In my dreams, I see you there, Vesta! I see you all the time." Nothing is wrong with using the past tense, but present tense makes the subject more...well, present. 'All the time' is a common exaggeration in English to describe something that happens unusually often; I don't know if it has a counterpart in Russian.
- "You must understand what I'm talking about!" 'Have to' isn't wrong, but 'must' adds more emphasis; it also solidly implies, 'you do understand,' whereas 'have to' can also mean 'you could understand'.
- "Maybe Ulyana is there too." 'Perhaps' and 'maybe' are both correct, but 'maybe' is much more common, especially if the speaker is emotional. Personally, I would move this sentence to Panel 5 in an 'off-panel' speech balloon, with the tail cut off by the border.

Panel 6
'Someplace' is more grammatically proper if 'where' immediately follows it, but 'somewhere where' isn't technically wrong - in fact, it's more common in everyday speech. That said, Vesta strikes me as being a very proper and eloquently spoken person. I'll leave this one up to you.

Panel 8
- "This book has some pictures from an artist who died recently." 'Picture of' usually implies that the picture is depicting the person or object.
- "Please, take a look. Do you see anything familiar?"

Panel 9
- "The same world. The same place. And the same symbols." I'm mostly guessing on your reason for using the word 'establishment' here: it can mean a specific location, but that location is typically a building, like a restaurant or an office, and under that meaning it is poetic more than anything else.
- "So...we're not the only ones who could see that world." 'Not only we' isn't technically wrong, but it is archaic; you probably won't hear anyone say that outside a medieval faire.
(Warning: extended language lesson ahead!)
It can be correct if you place the verb 'be,' 'do,' or 'have' between 'only' and the pronoun. This phrase is only used in a particular kind of sentence that connects two concepts together, such as these examples: 'Not only are we tired, we are also hungry'; 'Not only does she do well in school, she excels in every class'; 'Not only have I paid the bill, but I confirmed my payment with your company over the phone weeks ago' (we say this one a lot). The phrase can also be rearranged to put the subject of the sentence first: 'We are not only tired...'; 'She not only does well...'; 'I have not only paid...'.

-----

Is it strange that I miss helping you with this?
Reply
:iconautumn-sacura:
Autumn-Sacura Oct 4, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
Don't worry, I always glad to hear more useful advices! Plus, it's just interesting to read about different rules of English language. Of course, I had a lot of textbooks from school, but they are pretty old, some rules don't apply anymore ^__^ Plus, some of your criticues could be applied to original text too.
Thank you very much, hope to see more advices from you in future!
Reply
:iconevelyn-stormcraft:
evelyn-stormcraft Oct 4, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I'm glad to hear it. Here's another tip for you: certain words in the English language have identical singular and plural forms. "Advice" is one of these words; "advices" is considered obsolete and is no longer used. There doesn't seem to be any specific reason or rule for this; my theory is it happens with concepts that we think of as always being plural, unless we specify otherwise (for example, "fish" as opposed to "a fish").
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:iconkrystalthehobbit:
Your story is really interesting. These are the changes I would make:

"My best friend is in a coma, (and) you distract me with that nonsense!"
ALSO
"...I saw you there, Vesta! Saw A lot of times."
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:iconfoggyland1:
oh thats so goddam cute
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