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September 27, 2012
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Page 2 of the second chapter. I probably rush a story here a little bit becase I can't wait to start action and adventures already ^__^.

Please, help me with grammar. If you find any, I'll try fix them immediately.

Don't forget about hidden content.

How to read this story: [link]
First page: [link]
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:iconsandyledandy:
SandyLeDandy Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013
I've been waiting for continuation on this creative comic. Will we ever see it, or have you run out of juices for it?

If you have, I totally understand, as a fellow artist. Sometimes inspiration dies, and other ideas consume your mind so that you're unable to continue your old work.
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:iconautumn-sacura:
Autumn-Sacura Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013  Professional Digital Artist
Thank you for interest in it! I, for myself, really want to continue it, I already have drafts for next chapter. But right now I have to take a lot of commissions, to pay for my... well, a lot of things. I hope, I could return to in in the next month.
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:iconeydas:
Eydas Featured By Owner Oct 2, 2012
Wowowo, we're going to know more about the UM at last! :clap:
I loved the flashback =)
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:iconemh5567:
Emh5567 Featured By Owner Sep 29, 2012  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
*squeeeeee*

I've been waiting for this for a while.

I'm sort of sensing Felix and Vesta used to have a childhood romance. *wink wink, nudge nudge*

They seem like they could have been a couple. The way he (kind of) protects her, like when she wanted to help Ulyana from getting beat up and pepper-sprayed by Quint.

Also, 4th panel, "Saw a lot of times." You should probably say something like, "You were in them plenty [or lots or many. If you use many, take out the 'of'] of times."

And I'm finally glad that they start to talk about the UM. :squee:
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:icontenko72:
tenko72 Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2012
As far as critiques go, ~evelyn-stormcraft is right.

Aww, that flashback is so cute!

This is a really exciting page. So much is going on. I wonder what'll happen next.
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:iconevelyn-stormcraft:
evelyn-stormcraft Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I hate to tell you this, but the entire page needs work. Here are my recommendations (warning to other readers, secret-spoilers ahead):

-----

Panel 1
- "Whatever happened, I'm sure he's capable of taking care of himself."
- "Just hear me out! You promised that if something bad happened to me, you'd come to the rescue!"

Panel 2
- I've heard "God" as an interjection, but never "gods" (except in science fiction and fantasy settings). Even self-avowed pagans in the real world use God in the singular...unless they're making a point of letting everyone know they're a pagan, in which case they're just being annoying. :P
- How could he think that anything is left from our childhood friendship?

Panel 3
- "Stop it! My best friend is in a coma, and you distract me with this nonsense. Show some respect." 'This' and 'that' can be a bit fickle in how they're applied, but 'this' works better here.

Panel 4
- Either she'll think I'm crazy, or it'll turn out I was right. This is a very confusing rule of English with no good reason for existing, so I'll explain: the plural of the verb 'turn,' or of any given verb, is used ONLY if it follows a singular third-person noun in the present tense ('it/he/she/the apple turns out'). In all other cases, the singular form of the verb is used.
"In my dreams, I see you there, Vesta! I see you all the time." Nothing is wrong with using the past tense, but present tense makes the subject more...well, present. 'All the time' is a common exaggeration in English to describe something that happens unusually often; I don't know if it has a counterpart in Russian.
- "You must understand what I'm talking about!" 'Have to' isn't wrong, but 'must' adds more emphasis; it also solidly implies, 'you do understand,' whereas 'have to' can also mean 'you could understand'.
- "Maybe Ulyana is there too." 'Perhaps' and 'maybe' are both correct, but 'maybe' is much more common, especially if the speaker is emotional. Personally, I would move this sentence to Panel 5 in an 'off-panel' speech balloon, with the tail cut off by the border.

Panel 6
'Someplace' is more grammatically proper if 'where' immediately follows it, but 'somewhere where' isn't technically wrong - in fact, it's more common in everyday speech. That said, Vesta strikes me as being a very proper and eloquently spoken person. I'll leave this one up to you.

Panel 8
- "This book has some pictures from an artist who died recently." 'Picture of' usually implies that the picture is depicting the person or object.
- "Please, take a look. Do you see anything familiar?"

Panel 9
- "The same world. The same place. And the same symbols." I'm mostly guessing on your reason for using the word 'establishment' here: it can mean a specific location, but that location is typically a building, like a restaurant or an office, and under that meaning it is poetic more than anything else.
- "So...we're not the only ones who could see that world." 'Not only we' isn't technically wrong, but it is archaic; you probably won't hear anyone say that outside a medieval faire.
(Warning: extended language lesson ahead!)
It can be correct if you place the verb 'be,' 'do,' or 'have' between 'only' and the pronoun. This phrase is only used in a particular kind of sentence that connects two concepts together, such as these examples: 'Not only are we tired, we are also hungry'; 'Not only does she do well in school, she excels in every class'; 'Not only have I paid the bill, but I confirmed my payment with your company over the phone weeks ago' (we say this one a lot). The phrase can also be rearranged to put the subject of the sentence first: 'We are not only tired...'; 'She not only does well...'; 'I have not only paid...'.

-----

Is it strange that I miss helping you with this?
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:iconautumn-sacura:
Autumn-Sacura Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
Don't worry, I always glad to hear more useful advices! Plus, it's just interesting to read about different rules of English language. Of course, I had a lot of textbooks from school, but they are pretty old, some rules don't apply anymore ^__^ Plus, some of your criticues could be applied to original text too.
Thank you very much, hope to see more advices from you in future!
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:iconevelyn-stormcraft:
evelyn-stormcraft Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I'm glad to hear it. Here's another tip for you: certain words in the English language have identical singular and plural forms. "Advice" is one of these words; "advices" is considered obsolete and is no longer used. There doesn't seem to be any specific reason or rule for this; my theory is it happens with concepts that we think of as always being plural, unless we specify otherwise (for example, "fish" as opposed to "a fish").
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:iconkrystalthehobbit:
KrystaltheHobbit Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2012
Your story is really interesting. These are the changes I would make:

"My best friend is in a coma, (and) you distract me with that nonsense!"
ALSO
"...I saw you there, Vesta! Saw A lot of times."
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:iconfoggyland1:
foggyland1 Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2012
oh thats so goddam cute
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